‫‫‫‫[suspicious music playing]
‫‫‫‫So, what are we--
‫‫‫‫How the hell are you walking around?
‫‫‫‫I'm sorry. Should I not be?
‫‫‫‫Are you... Wait, are you kidding, or--
‫‫‫‫Archer! Archer, you shut your mouth!
‫‫‫‫-Because seriously, if you're not-- ‫‫‫‫-Archer!
‫‫‫‫You need to go rustle up a dime ‫‫‫‫and call Robert goddamn Ripley.
‫‫‫‫Wait a minute! I know that voice...
‫‫‫‫[Archer] So you're saying ‫‫‫‫when I drive this truck out of here,
‫‫‫‫you'd prefer I drove over your head, ‫‫‫‫not your ankles.
‫‫‫‫Wait, what? No, no. No, I meant--
‫‫‫‫I know what you meant.
‫‫‫‫[screaming]
‫‫‫‫Ow!
‫‫‫‫You! You turned me into a freak!
‫‫‫‫I think you might be confusing me ‫‫‫‫with your personal shopper.
‫‫‫‫My what?
‫‫‫‫What are you wearing? You look like--
‫‫‫‫Ya like that, Archer?
‫‫‫‫[Archer] No.
‫‫‫‫'Cause that's the best you're gonna feel ‫‫‫‫for the rest of your short life!
‫‫‫‫And as for you, Poovey--
‫‫‫‫Pop pop pop pop...
‫‫‫‫What, you don't want Figgis
‫‫‫‫and ol' Lenny here to know you were--
‫‫‫‫You're under arrest, Dutch!
‫‫‫‫You have the right to remain silent! ‫‫‫‫Or get shot in the face!
‫‫‫‫[inhales cigarette]
‫‫‫‫Go nuts.
‫‫‫‫Your funeral.
‫‫‫‫Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no--
‫‫‫‫[gunshots]
‫‫‫‫Son of a--
‫‫‫‫No, no, no, no--
‫‫‫‫Stop it!
‫‫‫‫I mean--
‫‫‫‫You know the definition of insanity?
‫‫‫‫You! You're the definition! You!
‫‫‫‫That was rhetorical, shitheel!
‫‫‫‫The definition of insanity is--
‫‫‫‫Suppressing fire!
‫‫‫‫Ow!
‫‫‫‫What, did you eat a bunch of magnets?
‫‫‫‫Seriously.
‫‫‫‫Doing the same thing over and over ‫‫‫‫and expecting a different result.
‫‫‫‫Oh, for... That's the ransom money!
‫‫‫‫-The what? ‫‫‫‫-And my bag!
‫‫‫‫Which, again, was a gift!
‫‫‫‫Ah!
‫‫‫‫Isn't that right, Trexler? Trexler?
‫‫‫‫Archer!
‫‫‫‫[screaming]
‫‫‫‫We gotta get out,
‫‫‫‫we gotta get out...
‫‫‫‫He's gonna... We gotta...
‫‫‫‫You're not a vegetarian, are you?
‫‫‫‫We gotta... What?
‫‫‫‫Snap out of it.
‫‫‫‫Jesus, that hurt.
‫‫‫‫Right?
‫‫‫‫Come on, I snapped already!
‫‫‫‫I know. I know. That one was just for me.
‫‫‫‫[theme music playing]
‫‫‫‫Ow!
‫‫‫‫And that one was for the Chinese ladies.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, so about that--
‫‫‫‫[Dutch] Trexler!
‫‫‫‫-You were saying? ‫‫‫‫-Never mind!
‫‫‫‫You gotta get me outta here! ‫‫‫‫You saw him, he's invincible!
‫‫‫‫But how? He's like...
‫‫‫‫He's a goddamn robot!
‫‫‫‫Ow!
‫‫‫‫At the risk of another meatslap ‫‫‫‫you're kind of an asshole.
‫‫‫‫Woo!
‫‫‫‫[grunting]
‫‫‫‫[laughing]
‫‫‫‫Oh, man.
‫‫‫‫Hmm...
‫‫‫‫[grunting]
‫‫‫‫Jesus Christ!
‫‫‫‫-He ain't gonna help you! ‫‫‫‫-[Lana] Grab the gimp.
‫‫‫‫Hang on, let me try something.
‫‫‫‫We tried that! Grab the gimp!
‫‫‫‫Woo!
‫‫‫‫Yeah!
‫‫‫‫Now go, go, go!
‫‫‫‫[chuckling]
‫‫‫‫[Dutch] Aren't you gonna stay for supper?
‫‫‫‫-I don't think I could eat. ‫‫‫‫-Will that hold him?
‫‫‫‫It's three inches of solid-- Oh, shit!
‫‫‫‫-Damn! ‫‫‫‫-See?
‫‫‫‫[Dutch laughing]
‫‫‫‫What the...
‫‫‫‫Jesus! He's some kinda robot!
‫‫‫‫[Dutch] Oh, I'll say.
‫‫‫‫[laughing]
‫‫‫‫I mean...
‫‫‫‫[Dutch] Whoops? [laughing]
‫‫‫‫Go! Go!
‫‫‫‫What do you mean, a robot?
‫‫‫‫I mean, I know a guy who knows a guy, ‫‫‫‫who knows a guy who knows a...
‫‫‫‫-Guy? ‫‫‫‫-Nazi scientist--
‫‫‫‫-What? ‫‫‫‫-Former! I guess. I don't know.
‫‫‫‫Anyway, the guy is ‫‫‫‫a bona fide mad scientist.
‫‫‫‫[chuckling]
‫‫‫‫Or is that just affected and weird?
‫‫‫‫And you're telling me this crazy Nazi ‫‫‫‫can turn people into robots?
‫‫‫‫Yes! With metal bones! ‫‫‫‫Motor oil for blood!
‫‫‫‫Like the tin man!
‫‫‫‫-Okay, A, the tin man's not a robot-- ‫‫‫‫-The tin man is a--
‫‫‫‫A magical being! Like a leprechaun, ‫‫‫‫Pinocchio, an enchanted nutcracker.
‫‫‫‫Whatever! He doesn't have a heart!
‫‫‫‫Just like that sick bastard out there!
‫‫‫‫He killed my guys!
‫‫‫‫Mike.
‫‫‫‫-Fat Mike. ‫‫‫‫-Aww...
‫‫‫‫-It's all your fault! ‫‫‫‫-What?
‫‫‫‫You're the one who crushed ‫‫‫‫his goddamn ankles!
‫‫‫‫Rescuing innocent women ‫‫‫‫from a lifetime of sexual slavery!
‫‫‫‫-Like a meddling asshole! ‫‫‫‫-Wh--
‫‫‫‫But get me out of here alive, ‫‫‫‫and the ransom money,
‫‫‫‫we'll call it even, okay?
‫‫‫‫-We're way more than even. ‫‫‫‫-Wh-- How do you figure?
‫‫‫‫Because your final thought on this earth ‫‫‫‫wasn't about how my gun tasted.
‫‫‫‫Fair enough.
‫‫‫‫Right. Okay, how's my face look?
‫‫‫‫It's good. How's it feel?
‫‫‫‫-Honestly, not that bad. ‫‫‫‫-What's that, codeine?
‫‫‫‫Yeah, mixed with some Dexedrine.
‫‫‫‫"The Adventures of Dex and Cody."
‫‫‫‫Let me ask you, should you be doing that?
‫‫‫‫"Should you be doing that?"
‫‫‫‫Actually no, probably not.
‫‫‫‫Come on, move it! What are you, hourly?
‫‫‫‫I mean...
‫‫‫‫Is it just me, or is it cold?
‫‫‫‫-It's you. ‫‫‫‫-Well, your shock.
‫‫‫‫Just checking.
‫‫‫‫He needs a hospital!
‫‫‫‫-No shit. ‫‫‫‫-Easy!
‫‫‫‫-Well? ‫‫‫‫-I think I own one.
‫‫‫‫That's great. Where are your keys?
‫‫‫‫Applejack drove--
‫‫‫‫-What? ‫‫‫‫-What?
‫‫‫‫Keys, idiot!
‫‫‫‫Ew!
‫‫‫‫-Son of a-- ‫‫‫‫-I'm priapic! From the shock!
‫‫‫‫Shock doesn't cause priapisms!
‫‫‫‫-Sickle-cell anemia? ‫‫‫‫-No.
‫‫‫‫Then I can only assume I was bitten ‫‫‫‫by a Brazilian Wandering Spider.
‫‫‫‫-Ew! ‫‫‫‫-Ow!
‫‫‫‫I bet they fell out in the house.
‫‫‫‫Oh, damn it! Can you hot-wire it?
‫‫‫‫Why are you asking me?
‫‫‫‫Because you know all that shit ‫‫‫‫about putting breakfast in the radiator!
‫‫‫‫-What? ‫‫‫‫-For a leak. Potatoes, an egg...
‫‫‫‫That's pretty common knowledge.
‫‫‫‫-No, it's not. ‫‫‫‫-Also pepper.
‫‫‫‫-Can you hot-wire it? ‫‫‫‫-No.
‫‫‫‫[Figgis] Nobody can.
‫‫‫‫Because it's English and it's stupid, ‫‫‫‫with a bunch of stupid English wires.
‫‫‫‫[yawns]
‫‫‫‫I don't have time for this shit!
‫‫‫‫Not if that crazy Kraut was on the level ‫‫‫‫about that Factor-K shit.
‫‫‫‫And also... I've lost track of time!
‫‫‫‫What was that?
‫‫‫‫Sounds like somebody's ‫‫‫‫smashing up all your shit.
‫‫‫‫With a halberd.
‫‫‫‫[Dutch whoops]
‫‫‫‫Yeah. Can't have anything nice.
‫‫‫‫That halberd was pretty nice.
‫‫‫‫Yeah, was. And why are we going up?
‫‫‫‫M-m.
‫‫‫‫Something's not right.
‫‫‫‫[Charlotte] I'll say.
‫‫‫‫I didn't think it was possible, ‫‫‫‫but somehow being kidnapped
‫‫‫‫is even more boring ‫‫‫‫than my mother's funeral.
‫‫‫‫I meant with Archer and the ransom!
‫‫‫‫-Still though. ‫‫‫‫-Mr. Zerk.
‫‫‫‫[grumbles]
‫‫‫‫If the wheels end up ‫‫‫‫coming off this thing,
‫‫‫‫obviously I'll need you to... tie up
‫‫‫‫all the remaining loose ends.
‫‫‫‫[sighs]
‫‫‫‫[romantic music playing]
‫‫‫‫[blows raspberry]
‫‫‫‫I wonder what could've gone wrong.
‫‫‫‫[grunting]
‫‫‫‫Son of a bitch.
‫‫‫‫Is the parking brake off?
‫‫‫‫-Oh. ‫‫‫‫-Goddamn it.
‫‫‫‫-Sorry. ‫‫‫‫-Will you hurry up?
‫‫‫‫He's not lookin' too good!
‫‫‫‫You're lookin' real good.
‫‫‫‫[Cecil groans]
‫‫‫‫But try that hard-on shit with me ‫‫‫‫I'll kick your dick off your body.
‫‫‫‫Fair enough.
‫‫‫‫[Poovey grunting]
‫‫‫‫Come on!
‫‫‫‫Oh, shut up, you were gonna ditch me!
‫‫‫‫-Yeah, and it woulda served you right! ‫‫‫‫-How?
‫‫‫‫Oh, don't play dumb with me!
‫‫‫‫That crazy robot was ‫‫‫‫just about to finger you
‫‫‫‫for stealing Trexler's whores!
‫‫‫‫-Wait what? ‫‫‫‫-Finger who? Ow!
‫‫‫‫That was Archer!
‫‫‫‫What the hell would I want ‫‫‫‫with a bunch of Chinese broads?
‫‫‫‫[Poovey inhaling with a wheeze]
‫‫‫‫[exhaling weakly]
‫‫‫‫[clapping]
‫‫‫‫Okay, okay.
‫‫‫‫Jeez, knock it off!
‫‫‫‫Maybe they got us some new diapers.
‫‫‫‫[baby coos]
‫‫‫‫Ya know?
‫‫‫‫I wasn't implying you kept them.
‫‫‫‫Wait, hang on, did you?
‫‫‫‫Are we gonna stand here all night ‫‫‫‫yanking our goddamn... genitals?
‫‫‫‫Yes, where did we land on that?
‫‫‫‫Hey, my keys!
‫‫‫‫I mean...
‫‫‫‫Right? What are the odds?
‫‫‫‫Because, asshole, if we hadn't gone ‫‫‫‫upstairs we wouldn't be... whatever!
‫‫‫‫-Shinnying? ‫‫‫‫-Exactly!
‫‫‫‫Exactly. And this is the last place ‫‫‫‫he'd ever think to look for us, so--
‫‫‫‫-[Dutch] Hey, guys! ‫‫‫‫-Wha--
‫‫‫‫[chuckling]
‫‫‫‫Oh, wow!
‫‫‫‫[both] Oh, shit!
‫‫‫‫[crash]
‫‫‫‫[laughing]
‫‫‫‫[Lana] And you're sure ‫‫‫‫you can drive a stick?
‫‫‫‫As long as I can find the manual!
‫‫‫‫[laughing]
‫‫‫‫-Hospital! ‫‫‫‫-Okay, jeez, I'm going!
‫‫‫‫Guess I better not stall.
‫‫‫‫This is a cigar.
‫‫‫‫Go!
‫‫‫‫And since Archer was kind enough ‫‫‫‫to leave his keys in the ignition, get in!
‫‫‫‫Um...
‫‫‫‫We'll just take my car.
‫‫‫‫No, actually, you'll come with me!
‫‫‫‫-To where? ‫‫‫‫-Wh-- My headquarters!
‫‫‫‫What, like some drag club?
‫‫‫‫For the-- I'm not a transvestite!
‫‫‫‫I'm a treasury agent!
‫‫‫‫[both] What?
‫‫‫‫And you two are under arrest.
‫‫‫‫[both] What?
‫‫‫‫Kidnapping, conspiracy to ‫‫‫‫commit kidnapping, grand larceny...
‫‫‫‫Oh, and while we're on the subject,
‫‫‫‫I'll go ahead and take the ransom money.
‫‫‫‫Well, you say that...
‫‫‫‫Hey, whoa, whoa!
‫‫‫‫Well. Looks like we've got ourselves ‫‫‫‫a Mexican standoff.
‫‫‫‫Oh, does it now?
‫‫‫‫-Yes. ‫‫‫‫-Poovey!
‫‫‫‫Oh, right.
‫‫‫‫Wh--? Not at me, you idiot! At her!
‫‫‫‫Yeah, she doesn't have the money.
‫‫‫‫Oh, you have got to be kidding!
‫‫‫‫Poovey, put the gun down.
‫‫‫‫-Right? ‫‫‫‫-Shut up.
‫‫‫‫Listen to me, you testify against him,
‫‫‫‫the judge'll go easy on you, ‫‫‫‫and you're out in like... 20 years!
‫‫‫‫-What? ‫‫‫‫-I meant months!
‫‫‫‫Nice try, Eliot Mess!
‫‫‫‫Now hand over the dough, Figgis.
‫‫‫‫[Archer and Len yelling]
‫‫‫‫What the...?
‫‫‫‫[Archer] Whatever this is ‫‫‫‫we don't have time for it!
‫‫‫‫Excuse me! I am effecting an arrest!
‫‫‫‫Great, while you're at it arrest him!
‫‫‫‫Who?
‫‫‫‫[shouting]
‫‫‫‫If for nothing else, that outfit.
‫‫‫‫[giggling]
‫‫‫‫Now where do you think you're going?
‫‫‫‫[Archer] Nowhere, apparently!
‫‫‫‫-Will you get the hell off me? ‫‫‫‫-I should drive!
‫‫‫‫-Why should you possibly drive? ‫‫‫‫-Why should you drive?
‫‫‫‫Because A, it's my car, ‫‫‫‫and B, you're a woman!
‫‫‫‫Hopefully. Now move!
‫‫‫‫Nice!
‫‫‫‫-Holy shit! ‫‫‫‫-Right? Actually...
‫‫‫‫[all exclaiming]
‫‫‫‫[crash]
‫‫‫‫Eat a dick, Gort.
‫‫‫‫-[thump] ‫‫‫‫-What the... Oh, come on.
‫‫‫‫-No! ‫‫‫‫-Damn it!
‫‫‫‫Hey, we should go to a drive-in!
‫‫‫‫-What? ‫‫‫‫-Whoa!
‫‫‫‫[laughing]
‫‫‫‫For the love of God, man, do something!
‫‫‫‫Yeah.
‫‫‫‫Goddamn it!
‫‫‫‫-Hang on. ‫‫‫‫-[Dutch] I am!
‫‫‫‫Not you, idiot.
‫‫‫‫[Dutch] Archer!
‫‫‫‫[laughing]
‫‫‫‫Holy shit!
‫‫‫‫-Did you see that? ‫‫‫‫-I've seen better.
‫‫‫‫Yes, hurray, and now, can you drive us all ‫‫‫‫to the federal building downtown?
‫‫‫‫Okay, and why would I do that?
‫‫‫‫Because you're all under arrest.
‫‫‫‫-Oh, yeah, what was up with that? ‫‫‫‫-She's a T-man!
‫‫‫‫Okay, but I'm almost positive that's, ‫‫‫‫you know, like an insulting term, for--
‫‫‫‫For the last time! ‫‫‫‫I am not a transvestite!
‫‫‫‫Well, probably not the last time, but--
‫‫‫‫-I am a treasury agent! ‫‫‫‫-What?
‫‫‫‫And, again, you are all under arrest!
‫‫‫‫[all laughing]
‫‫‫‫How is that so goddamn funny?
‫‫‫‫Oh, my God... because...
‫‫‫‫That!
‫‫‫‫Oh, yeah? Well, how about that?
‫‫‫‫Yeah! That's what I thought!
‫‫‫‫Not that, dummy.
‫‫‫‫[engine revving]
‫‫‫‫-That. ‫‫‫‫-Seriously?
‫‫‫‫I'm starting to think you guys ‫‫‫‫don't wanna hang out!
‫‫‫‫Can somebody...
‫‫‫‫-Suppressing fire! ‫‫‫‫-[gunshots]
‫‫‫‫[gun fires with no bullets]
‫‫‫‫[laughing]
‫‫‫‫Wait, were those blanks?
‫‫‫‫Jesus Christ, Figgis, ‫‫‫‫you couldn't suppress a cough!
‫‫‫‫-Yes, I could! ‫‫‫‫-I apologize, I stand corrected.
‫‫‫‫[gunshots]
‫‫‫‫Goddamn it, woman!
‫‫‫‫Do you have any idea how bad that is--
‫‫‫‫I swear to God, ‫‫‫‫if I have to stop this car--
‫‫‫‫[gunshots]
‫‫‫‫Good idea! ‫‫‫‫Here, let me give you a hand with that!
‫‫‫‫[metal scraping]
‫‫‫‫Jesus! Can somebody, please, shoot him?
‫‫‫‫Goddamn it.
‫‫‫‫-I'm out. ‫‫‫‫-Yep.
‫‫‫‫-I obviously am. ‫‫‫‫-Me too.
‫‫‫‫Oh, my God. Okay, take the wheel!
‫‫‫‫-Take the what? ‫‫‫‫-The wheel!
‫‫‫‫And put your foot on the gas! ‫‫‫‫I'm gonna jump on the bike!
‫‫‫‫Yeah!
‫‫‫‫-No, you're not! ‫‫‫‫-Yes, I am!
‫‫‫‫Big man! Feelin' froggy!
‫‫‫‫-Damn it! ‫‫‫‫-Just drive the car, you asshole!
‫‫‫‫-[Archer] I can do it! ‫‫‫‫-[Lana] No, you can't!
‫‫‫‫It's like my signature move!
‫‫‫‫And here I thought your signature move
‫‫‫‫was blowing your load ‫‫‫‫all over a woman's dress during foreplay!
‫‫‫‫-Wow. ‫‫‫‫-Right?
‫‫‫‫Totally.
‫‫‫‫I mean, would you not just die?
‫‫‫‫Okay, you know what?
‫‫‫‫What the--
‫‫‫‫Yeah, laugh it up... laughers!
‫‫‫‫And since you like jokes ‫‫‫‫so goddamn much...
‫‫‫‫No, no, no, no, no, no--
‫‫‫‫No!
‫‫‫‫[grunting]
‫‫‫‫Whoa.
‫‫‫‫Oh, hey!
‫‫‫‫Did you hear the one about--
‫‫‫‫Oh, my God!
‫‫‫‫-Archer, wait! ‫‫‫‫-[Archer] Or the one about--
‫‫‫‫Jesus Christ!
‫‫‫‫-Archer! ‫‫‫‫-[Archer] Or, here's one! Knock knock!
‫‫‫‫Who's there? Interrupting cow.
‫‫‫‫Interrupting cow--
‫‫‫‫Typical! Typical! Typical! Typical!
‫‫‫‫What could possibly have been typical ‫‫‫‫about that?
‫‫‫‫-Me! I always do shit like this! ‫‫‫‫-Like what?
‫‫‫‫All I wanted to do was find out ‫‫‫‫who killed my partner Woodhouse,
‫‫‫‫and the next thing I know ‫‫‫‫I've disappeared up my own asshole
‫‫‫‫and I'm manumitting sex slaves ‫‫‫‫and grossly abusing corpses
‫‫‫‫and trying to source a finger ‫‫‫‫for some weird psychosexual kidnapping,
‫‫‫‫and then, to top off all the bullshit,
‫‫‫‫getting chased by goddamn robots!
‫‫‫‫I mean fucking halberds, Jesus Christ.
‫‫‫‫Wait, wait, wait, what was that?
‫‫‫‫-Halberds! ‫‫‫‫-No, did you...
‫‫‫‫You said your partner's name ‫‫‫‫was Woodhouse?
‫‫‫‫Yeah, why?
‫‫‫‫Woodhouse, the dope-fiend detective.
‫‫‫‫What-- You-- Yes! Why?
‫‫‫‫Because, and I'm sorry kid,
‫‫‫‫I don't know how to break this ‫‫‫‫to you, but...
‫‫‫‫But what?
‫‫‫‫Mother killed Woodhouse.
‫‫‫‫What?
‫‫‫‫[theme song playing]